One Month Today...

Last night, as I lay in bed with a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes, I realized that it has been a month since our sweet Father passed. The last time I kissed his breathing, sick body was exactly one month ago, early in the morning hours before he slipped away. This has got to be the hardest past few months I have ever experienced. We all experience it differently. I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my father, immortality and grief in the past few months. I have learned not to judge or expect others to understand what it is exactly that you are feeling. I have learned that I am extremely blessed to have a supportive family, who shows up in times of need, and sometimes they just show up :). I love my family, Dad has left quiet a legacy of love. I have learned what is important and what is not. I have learned that our bodies or only temporary and not who we really are at all. Through these past few months I felt I have pulled away from my Savior, but all along he has been there easing the pain, calming my soul. There is some type of numbness you feel and I'm not sure how to describe it, but I believe it is the spirit protecting us. I feel as though I haven't been on my knees as much as I should, but then I feel like I am in a constant state of prayer. I know the Lord has and does sustain us and have felt his power throughout this experience. I have felt his promptings, not even knowing they were promptings, some too tender to even share. I have been blessed.
Since my Daddy's passing, beautiful memories have graced my mind of the great man he once was, years before his passing. He really hasn't been himself for several years. As we sorted through pictures and told various stories, I realized that I had forgotten who he was. I had been so wrapped up in caring for him that I had really lost some of my memories of him....but they are still there and how beautiful they are.
One of my first memories of my Dad are of going to Fort Bragg and learning how to catch crabs and fish. We went there year after year when I was young. He taught me as a little girl how to gut a fish...which may explain my love of the surgery channel. Mom and Dad also took us on a lot of camping trips when we were young. I remember Dad spraining his ankle on one trip, which may have been our last camping trip :). I can still smell the various hot peppers he would fry up in the kitchen. Usually home grown peppers that would burn your eyes when you walked in the room. I remember him playing the guitar on our boat and singing silly songs to us such as "Great Big Gobs of Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts.... I loved running around the house with my siblings as he played "The Lone Ranger" theme on the piano....we would run until he quit playing. He played the piano by ear. I remember one of the only times seeing him scared enough to swear at the top of the "Tidal Wave" at Great America....it actually made me laugh. I remember watching him laugh as he watched different comedians on TV. I recall him liking the Smother Brothers. He loved to laugh and make others laugh. Dad either called me "Jen" or "Beautiful." He called all of us girls "Beautiful." I remember how he told me how beautiful he thought I was when I came down the stairs to go to Junior Prom. He always made comments on how I looked, which could explain my vanity..Mike would say. But, he instilled in me something even greater, how much he loved me, just me. I understand now what he meant when he said that if "I" died it would leave a big whole in his heart. I feel as though I have a big piece missing in my heart, I literally feel an ache where my heart lies. I know there are many who never have known their father or have bad memories of their father and I pity them. I can't imagine what that would be like...all I know is that have been so blessed to be the daughter of such a loving, charitable, Christ-Like Man. He was my Hero and My Biggest Fan. I can't imagine that I will ever stop missing him until I see his big smile and feel his warm embrace one again! ~Jen